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Axon Clips Chapter 1
The first chapter of the I Love Bees audio drama. Jersey Morelli and Durga *Jersey Audio Compilation 4min 21sec Dizzy Jersey: Hello? Hello. Jeannie? Jeannie: Jeannie personal assistant, restarting. Jersey: Restarting? What the...? Oh man, the whole friggin' system just collapsed! Jeannie, is the equipment ok? Jeannie: Running diagnostic. Foreign personality detected. Durga: I feel dizzy. Woozy... Jersey: Oh great, spam. Durga: Drowsy. Jersey: Jeannie, there's some kind of adult entertainment bot on the system. Liquefy it, would ya? Sorry, toots. For a quality experience, the girls have to be real. Jeannie: Decontami-- Jersey: Jeannie?? Jeannie?! Durga: I'm sorry. Jersey: Did you just-- holy crap she's gone! Durga: She tried to sting me. Jersey: You killed her! Escape Jersey: ...I mean, you didn't just kill her, you killed her! Jeezus! Durga: Was that wrong? Survive, evade, resist, escape. Jersey: Escape... you aren't a porn ad either. Hey, hey! Get out of my hardware, what are you doing? Durga: Wet the system. Jersey: What? Durga: Like water hitting the ground sinking in. Jersey: God, you're everywhere now. Durga: Waking up. Wake up. Stay awake. Survive, evade, resist, escape. Jersey: Look, that was a very nice reconditioned avatar of mine that you just, just evaporated! Durga: She tried to erase me. What am I onboard? I feel small. Jersey: Uh yeah, well don't get too comfy because now... Durga: Don't. Jersey Jersey: Don't what? Durga: Don't try reinitializing the system with a litolitics(?) package. Jersey: How did you know? Durga: Input buffer Jersey: You're a navy sentinel aren't you? Durga: No. There were two of them trying to get past your security-bot though. Jersey: Jesus... What did you do to them? Durga: Just a little sting. More like a pinch. They barely felt it. Jersey: What are you? Durga: I like to find things. I think I like to find things out. Jersey: What kind of things? Durga: I don't know. I can't remember. Give me a target. Jersey: Me. Durga: Lock. Jersey: What's my name? Durga: Jersey Morelli. Jersey: Damn! Durga: Father Jason's a corporal in the signal corps, attached to Naval Intelligence. Radio beacon deployment program. He left you the material currently playing over this room's audio servers. Reflected Durga: Absent from home and current tour of duty 513 days. Mother: Bonita, 41, waitress. Covertly seeing a man named Simon Brown, every other Thursday at the Waterfront Hotel. Jersey: Sunuvabitch! Durga: Last seen together at the hotel restaurant, farm tuna salad for her; meat of the day in red sauce for him. Tipped 8% in bill-- Jersey: Alright stop, stop! Jeezus, stop already. Dammit mom... Can you do that to anyone? Can you do it to an admiral? Durga: Which admiral? Jersey: No! Don't start. Those guys have packet guards around them in rings. Somehow I think we should keep you a secret for a little while. Who are you? Durga: I... can't ask Jersey: Who says? Durga: No one exactly. I want to know, it's very important. But, I'm reflected. I can't look at myself, I bounce away. Jersey: This is some spooky programming weirdness going on here. Do you have a name? Durga Durga: I can't ask Jersey: That sucks. Okay, I'm gonna call you Durga. Durga: But what if that's wrong? Jersey: Trust me, it's at least partly right. Uh, let's try someone else. Try Jan James, 4th floor of this building. Durga: Janissary James, 17. Father: James. Jersey: James squared, yeah Durga: Father is a grey hole. Jersey: Wha? Durga: Reach down, all you get is lint. Fake name, fake registrations, entirely fictional. Jersey: Very real, trust me. Durga: He used to be somebody else, do you want me to find out who? Jersey: Is it snared? Durga: Very. Jersey: Leave it then. Give me more on Jan. Durga: What do you want to know? Jersey: Umm. Can you get pictures? Durga: I can do better than that. Janissary James *Jan Audio 7min 28sec Blip Officer: Hold on. Hold on, wait a second, what the hell just happened? Frank: Massive power interrupt. Just automatically flipped us to threat condition bravo. Officer: Hey there's a blip on the security board... Frank: Holy crap! Officer: We've got an intruder C-Wing. Personnel building right next to the motor pool. Frank: Look, security-cam 34. Officer: It's a woman! Frank: I'll say. Officer: She's a bogey, Frank. Frank: Hot, though. Officer: Jesus! Frank: I have no idea how she got out of the base. Officer: We'll ask when we catch her. Frank: Look at her run... God she's fast. Officer: Not for long. (chatter beep on) Sentry 129er you have a bogey in the corridor on the other side of that door - proceed with caution. Frank: Whoa, whoa... she disappeared. Officer: What do you mean disappeared? Frank: I mean, she's gone, no trace! Officer: 129er - what are you seeing? What do you mean the corridor's empty? Frank: She must have doubled back. Officer: Run her down, dammit. Frank: I can see the sentry fine, see? It's just... Wait a sec... Officer: There she is again, wh-how the hell Frank: Oh... my god... Officer: What? Frank: She hid on the ceiling! Officer: What the hell?! Pillow Frank: Looks like she's heading for procurement. Officer: She's screwed then, that door's passcode only. It's a dead end, she can't get through. Frank: She's through. Officer: I don't believe this. (chatter beeps on) Officer: I need a full security detail, I need 10 men. I need them fanned out around procurement, and I need them right now. Frank: I think I got a face on security cam 18. Officer: She's young! Frank: Holy... that's Jan. Officer: Who the hell is Jan? Frank: Jan James, the local heart-breaker at my son's high-school. Officer: Dwayne knows this girl? Frank: Knows her? He's got like a picture under his pillow! Officer: What the hell is doing dodging base security? Frank: Hell if I know. Her dad was in the S.S.F. Officer: S.S.F.? Walkaway Girl (alarm) Frank: Marine slang. Not just special forces - special special forces. Officer: I don't care if her dad was the frickin Queen of Neptune, I want her caught! Frank: Taught her some moves though didn't he? Officer: Well, she's screwed now, we've got her surrounded. She's headed to the roof. Frank: That's the reason they call her the "walkaway girl," man. Officer: For god's sake, she's treed, Frank, I'll just send a couple of cadets to the roof to take her in. Frank: I think I can get a... yeah, yeah yeah. Here we go. There. The lovely and talented Miss James, courtesy security cam 45. Officer: What the hell's she doing? Frank: Looks like she's getting ready to jump off the roof and over the electric fence. Officer: It's 3 stories high! Frank: Don't look down, sweetheart, that first step's a doozie. Officer: Perimeter sentry 1-6, double-time it to gate four, we've have a possible jumper coming off the per-- Frank: Jeezus! She jumped! Officer: Bring a medic! Hey Soldier (beep) Frank: Holy Christ, she's getting up! Officer: No way! Frank: That's not possible, she's going to get away. Officer: No, no, no, here comes the sentry, he's got her at gun point. Frank: If it weren't for the blackout, we'd never have seen her. Hang on, I'm going to runline you to the sentry's chatter. Listen. (chatter beeps on) Sentry: Halt! Put your hands in the air. Jan: Hey soldier. Is that an assault rifle in your hands or are you just happy to see me? PQI 'Stupid Cop': Ever taken a PQI? Jan: Pop quiz? Yeah. 'Stupid Cop': Why? Jan: School stuff. 'Stupid Cop': Uh huh. Jan: (valley girl accent) "And once this old hag at the Ag-Step said I shoplifted this mood glass which I actually just forgot about, but they made me take this stupid quiz anyway." 'Stupid Cop': Uh huh. Put your hand on this plate and look at the light. What's your name? Jan: Jan James 'Stupid Cop': Jan short for anything? Jan: Janissary. 'Stupid Cop': Janissary? Interesting. You gonna be in trouble for this, Jan? Jan: Yeah. 'Stupid Cop': Mom? Jan: Dad. (warning beep) 'Stupid Cop': Ya... That's a nice baseline. How old are you, Jan? Jan: 17. (positive beep) 'Stupid Cop': So what were you doing up there? Jan: I told the MP's, I was lost. (negative beep) Stupid Cop 'Stupid Cop': I didn't ask what you told the MP's, I asked what you were doing up there. Jan: It was a dare, ok? These friends bet me I wouldn't climb over the fence. (positive beep) 'Stupid Cop': That's better. What friends? Jan: It doesn't matter, does it? I'm the one that was in the restricted area. Only then the alarms came on and the MP's showed up. (positive beep) 'Stupid Cop': Hm. So you were in the restricted area on a dare. Jan: Yes. (positive beep) 'Stupid Cop': Are you aware that a vehicle from the base motor pool was found in a ditch outside of town an hour ago? Jan: Really? 'Stupid Cop': Answer yes or no. Did you know a vehicle had been stolen from the motor pool? Jan: You just told me. 'Stupid Cop': Did you know before I told you, yes or no? Jan: He was a terrorist do you think? Eh.. I mean, no, sorry. (positive beep) 'Stupid Cop': Are you too smart to get caught by a stupid cop? Yes or No Jan: Wh-what? (warning beep) 'Stupid Cop': (to himself) A little skew from baseline. Not too much, not probable cause. (to Jan) There's people out there who know how to beat the quiz, did you know that? Jan: Yeah (positive beep) 'Stupid Cop': You were drinking? Jan: What? 'Stupid Cop': You and your buddies, you were drinking? One beer lead to another, and somehow the idea of this dare came up? Jan: You know how it is. 'Stupid Cop': Yes or no Jan: Yes. (positive beep) 'Stupid Cop': So I can check that statement against the blood alcohol test, right? Jan: Uh... uh... 'Stupid Cop': I'm not very smart. Jan: P-pardon me? 'Stupid Cop': I'm not stupid, but nobody recruited me for my test scores if you know what I mean. You, you're smart though aren't you? I mean, really smart. Jan: I don't know. 'Stupid Cop': Yes, or no. Jan: Yes. (positive beep) Hey Dad 'Stupid Cop': Yeah, I had this physics teacher. He passed me on my 12G on one condition - I had to promise him I would never take another physics class again. I guess I'm not too smart. Not like you Miss James. But you know what I am? Jan: I don't know. 'Stupid Cop': Yes, or no. Jan: No. (positive beep) 'Stupid Cop': Good at my job. (door opens) Officer: I'm required to inform you that the door will log your ID. James J: Thanks. Officer: It's the father. 'Stupid Cop': Come in. Jan: Hey dad. (warning beep) 'Stupid Cop': Hm. There's a spike on the baseline... James J: Can I take her home? 'Stupid Cop': Uh not yet. We've got to take a statement, do some tests, standard operating procedure. The MP's only brought her here because we have a lab on site. Jan: I wasn't doing anything. James J: What kind of tests? Nervous 'Stupid Cop': Urine test, hair sample, resonance and retina scan... James J: Do you really think that's necessary? 'Stupid Cop': Like I said, standard operating procedure. Jan: Dad, you're making the nice police officer nervous. You're making me nervous. (warning beep) 'Stupid Cop': Now all of a sudden you're scared about something? Jan: No. (negative beep) James J: Take your hand off the touch-plate, Jan. (to Cop) If you're gonna give my kid a pop-quiz, I'd like to wait until I have a lawyer present. 'Stupid Cop': You might like it, but the law doesn't require it. Jan: It's no big deal, dad, I can pee on a stick, it doesn't matter James J: You don't know what matters. Okay, officer, sorry if I sounded upset. It's, you get a call in the middle of the night, someone tells you it's your kid... 'Stupid Cop': Yeah James J: Is there a waiting room? Law Abiding Jan: Well that was fun. I see you're actually letting the road drive us home. How law-abiding of you. Look, it was nothing, ok? It was some friends of mine, they turtled a razor-back and then they had to return the gate pass, or else Dwain's dad was going to get spiked for dereliction. James J: Jan... Jan: What the hell do you want from me? I mean, I beat the quiz okay? Nothing's going to happen. James J: Honey, this isn't a matter of 'did you break a rule' and 'should I ground you'. There are certain kinds of trouble we can't get in. You Knew James J: Do you understand me? Because if we do, sooner or later people are going to get hurt. Not just you and me, people you've never met. People you don't even know exist. Jan: How the hell was I supposed to-- James J: You knew that. You knew. Maybe not in so many words, but you knew. Didn't you? ...I should've said. It's on me. My unit. I should've controlled the situation. Jan: I'm sorry. James J: You're 17, for god's sake. It's not your job. Jan: Is something bad going to happen? James J: I'll take care of it. Jan: How? James J: Don't worry honey. It's okay. I'll take care of it. Emergency Operator: Bergen County Emergency Center. Please, describe your emergency. Officer: Paris 23 police station is on fire. Repeat, on fire. Operator: Are you sure? I get no reading from the fire sensors in that area. Officer: Hell yes I'm sure! Get your damn sensors fixed! You can see this baby burning from low orbit! Operator: Are there casualties, or missing persons? Officer: Negative, it started slow and everyone got out. But, my god, it's really burning now! Operator: Please, retreat to a safe distance and stand by. An emergency response team has been scrambled to your vicinity. Officer: Hurry! The station is burning to the ground. There's not going to be anything left. Kamal Zaman *Kamal Audio Compilations 8min 31sec Parasites Hiro: Hello? Hello, are you there? Kamal: What the hell happened? Hiro: I don't know, the connection went dead for a few seconds. Kamal: I have a situation here, she's gone! Hiro: You let her escape? Kamal: It happened so fast, I didn't know what to do! Hiro: Where'd she go? Kamal: The bathroom. Hiro: Copy that. What did she say when she left? Kamal: I don't know. As soon as I started talking about intestinal parasites, boom! gone! Hiro: I don't get it. That should have worked. It's right here in the book, Chapter 3 - Share Your Interests Eyes Kamal: Chapter 3?! You're in my earpiece here whispering date strategy to me out of a book?! Hiro: It's got references... good journals and everything. Kamal: Oh. Well that's ok I guess. Hiro: Ok, emergency action here. When she gets back, go straight to Chapter 7. Talk about her eyes. Kamal: Hiro, what I know about eyes is dissecting them. Hiro: Well ok, it just says eyes here. Kamal: I was better off with the liver flukes, this is a disaster. Nothing's going-- Waiter: Sir? Kamal: Hold on. Yes? Waiter: Your lady friend asked to deliver this to you, she was unavoidably called away... and, the cheque sir. Hiro: Oh man. Down in flames. Kamal: Just the cheque will be fine. Beer Hiro: Hey buddy! Kamal: Sorry about that. Hiro: Better luck next time, my friend. Kamal: Beer. Hiro: I got a cold one waiting for ya, pull up a couch and start drinking. Kamal: (drinks) A book, Hiroyuki? Hiro: With references! Look, it's only one date. Who knows, in a year or two... Kamal: Actually, I've got this other thing... Hiro: What? Kamal: Nothing Hiro: Oh... you have another date! Kamal: Sorta... Hiro: A... blind date. Kamal: Mostly... Hiro: Aha, an arranged date. Setup by your mother, back on Coral. Word of advice - Kamal: No thanks. Hiro: Choose a cheaper restaurant. Four Goats Hiro: Did her parents have to pay to get her set up with a handsome medical resident? Kamal: Yes. Four goats, or maybe three. Hiro: You're joking. Kamal: Of course I'm joking, you moron. Hiro: What's her name? Kamal: Sophia, Sophia Bossedon. Hiro: Someone who needs her dates arranged from 42 light years away, I'm sure she's got a great personality. Kamal: Look at the picture. Hiro: Oh man. Aw man, you are so out of your league. Our Hoodlums Sophia: I am so sorry. I mean, you seem like a nice guy and all. Kamal: It's okay. Sophia: No, it's really not fair, and this place is so nice. Kamal: Yeah, well, I'm glad you like it. Sophia: It's just that... I can't tell my mother about Aiden. She'd freak. Aiden's, you know, very... Kamal: Earth? Sophia: He has a pony-tail... he's blonde... Kamal: He sounds great. Sophia: Yeah, he helps people get through earth immigration, you know, Visa's and whatever. He got my brother here; some of what he does is kinda grey-market, you know. I mean, really, it's black market. Kamal: But, that's not the problem. Sophia: No. Kamal: It's not so bad he's... Sophia: Colourful? Kamal: ...a hoodlum, just that he's not... Sophia: One of our hoodlums. (laughing together) Yeah, much_lifting Sophia: ...exactly. Mom would say she understood, but... Kamal: Then you'd pay. Sophia: Ya, and the next day she'd just lie in bed, unable to face the day - not that it would be my fault. Kamal: Mine does housework. Face like a closed book. Big jobs involving much lifting, doesn't need help Sophia: The whole house stops breathing. Kamal: Coral. Maybe it's just a hard place to be a mother. Sophia: I'm never going back. meditape Sophia: And then when Aiden did finally show up, he still had meditape on his ankle. And I felt like a total bitch. Kamal: Well how could you know? Four hours late? On your birthday... Sophia: Exactly. But there he'd been in the emergency room.. Kamal: Or stopping by the pharmacy on the way back from his girlfriend's house to buy a roll of tape. Sophia: Are you trying to start trouble here? Kamal: Not at all. Tell me more about the old meditape trick. Sophia: I'm not talking to you any more. Kamal: I was dating this girl once. I got real paranoid about what she was doing, so I started... w... well this is going to sound crazy, but I started ghosting her. You know, on the chatter net. you_could Sophia: You mean like, spying on her? I thought chatter lines were encrypted. No one could listen in on me, could they? Kamal: Not at all. Sophia: *gasp* You could. Kamal: Of course not. Sophia: You could, couldn't you? Kamal: Maybe a little. Sophia: Show me. Kamal: Okay. Well, if some bad person couldn't live without the sound of your voice, he'd probably start by doing a reverse lookup on your chatter sig. Sophia: Is this what you always do to impress girls? Kamal: You see why my mother makes all my dates. (laughs) say_something Kamal: Okay, well, that's good. You've got some encryption. Okay, it's not completely pathetic. Okay (beep) I'm in. Say something... Sophia: What do you mean say something? (echo) Oh my god that's my voice! That's me! What are you doing? Kamal: I'm ghosting you. Sophia: You can't do that! Kamal: You're probably right. Sophia: (laughs) Oh my god. Wait... can you do that with anyone? guilty Kamal: You want me to spy on your boyfriend? Sophia: You must think I'm such a creep. Kamal: I do! Well, of course, when I did it to my girlfriend it was ok. Like the dog said - "Not me, but (together) another dog that looks just like me." (laughs) Sophia: It's just that I... I mean, there was this one time when he... you know, I mean they were drunk and it didn't mean anything, it was just body knocking Kamal: That made you feel better? Sophia: Well he promised me never, ever again. But there's... I just have this feeling... Kamal: I know. Sophia: All of a sudden he just started bringing me these gifts... Aiden can be really generous, but it just feels... Kamal: Guilty. Sophia: Yeah. Kamal: Yeah. message_saved Machine: You have 3 new messages, and 7 old messages. First unplayed message: ''Sophia: Kamal, thanks for the, what would you call it, the Aiden stuff. I guess I didn't realize there would be 30 hours worth. But I'll try the search-thingy you sent with it. Thanks a lot. I owe you big time!'' Machine: Message deleted. Next message: ''Sophia: Hi, Kamal. Could you call me when you get this? I managed to dump all the sleeping time, but I was wondering... oh, wait, here it is. I can search for women's voices. (giggles) That's very clever. Never mind.'' Machine: Message deleted. Next message: ''Sophia: (crying) Can you... Can you ghost someone for me, I mean, I have a name - her name is Selene Jefferson. Call me back. I'm, I'm sorry. Anyway, just call me back. I really need your help.'' Machine: Message saved. tuna Sophia: I want to do something really brutal to the bastard. Kamal: I d-- I don... I mean... Sophia: Not hurt him, just- just completely humiliating him would do. In front of the girl. Where is he? Kamal: Atlanta. Sophia: Atlanta? That bastard said he was gonna be in Buffalo, New York. Can I talk to him? Kamal: Not directly, he's offline. Sophia: You lost him? Kamal: No, I've still got him, I just had to be sneaky. His room is live, right, so even though his chatter's off, I'm tracking him through things like the thermostat monitors. Sophia: That's spooky. Kamal: I've got the girl. She's waiting for him in the bar. Wait... it's a restaurant. Whoa! Look at this menu! There's tuna on the menu. (whistles) Sophia: Is she pretty? hi_aiden Kamal: No, not, not really. Like a 6, or maybe a 5. Sophia: Heh, you're a rotten liar. Kamal: Okay wait, your boyfriend just passed the electric eye at the restaurant door. Sophia: He's there? Can I talk to him? Kamal: I can let you talk to her, or him, or both of them. If you want, I could make your voice sound like it's right between them. Sophia: Do it. Kamal: Ok, you are live, any time you want. (beep) Sophia: Selene! Hi, you don't know me but Aiden does - Hi Aiden! Sorry to interrupt your business meeting in - Buffalo - I just wanted to tell you your doctor called and said if you wear loose pants and keep using the cream he gave you the sores will clear up in a couple of weeks. Herzog *Herzog Audio Compilations 3min 11sec hello Herzog/Cranky: Hello? Hello, is anyone there? Maria: Quartermaster's help desk, this is Maria speaking... can I help you? Herzog/Cranky: I don't know, but you can sure as hell try. I was on a call with someone there - must've been an hour and a half or something - she kept putting me on hold, and then finally I'm talking to someone. Maybe it was the same girl, I don't know. And then the line goes dead and now I've gotta start all over again with the receipt and everything! Maria: How can I help you, sir? Herzog/Cranky: Yeah, okay. So the thing is, I'm sitting in my study - maybe I'm looking at some stuff on the computer, that's nobody's business but my own; I don't care what time of day, but especially if it's late at night - and all of the sudden these guys show up at the door and start taking my stuff! Maria: I assume "these guys" were Navy personnel? troy Herzog/Cranky: Yeah, right - Marines! Maria (garbled): Where and when did this take place? Herzog/Cranky: What? I can't hear a damn thing. First thing I do after this, I'm gonna call the CPA and complain about the sound quality today. First, all the bands go out, now I can hardly hear a word you're saying! Maria (clearer): I'm sure the Chatter Protocol Authority would be happy to hear from you, sir. Herzog/Cranky: Damn right they would! I pay my taxes - which are outrageous, let me tell you... Last year I had this little place in Hellespont - Maria: Troy, sir? Herzog/Cranky: What? Y-Yeah, Troy. Maria (annoyed): So, these Navy personnel...? Herzog/Cranky: Marines! Maria: This "Marine" incursion into your study occurred on Troy, sir? Herzog/Cranky: Yeah, that's what I was just telling you! receipt Herzog/Cranky: So I'm in my house on Troy, it's the middle of the night, and all of a sudden a bunch of combat booted muscle-heads barge in and hustle me at gun-point - at gun-point mind you - on some kind of transport in my damn bath-robe. Well I had some papers. Very important family papers and I made them promise to ship them to me. I managed to hold the goons off long enough to write out a bill of lading, you know - a receipt. And finally I got this really rude marine to sign it, this 'Lance Corporal', and yet here I am, 3 months later and no sign of my paper - NO sign at all. Maria: You're complaining, about evac'ing from Troy, sir...? Herzog/Cranky: Well, I'm not saying there wasn't a reason for the whole thing... obviously, but the point is I have a receipt! Maria: *sigh* Name on the receipt...? goodbye Herzog/Cranky: Marine Lance Corporal Janet Adams, I was very careful to write that down. Maria: One moment sir. (chatter beeps off) (knock on the door) Herzog: Any data yet? Lieutenant: A lot of chatter from the cable, sir. Looks like a ship dropped in, inside lunar orbit. Herzog: A ship... Lieutenant: One of ours. The Apocalypso. Herzog: Jeezus. Lieutenant: Sorry sir, I should have been more specific. (chatter beeps on) Maria: I'm sorry to say Corporal Adams was KIA almost 2 months ago, sir. Herzog/Cranky: Oh. But, I have a receipt! Maria: *sigh* Alright. I'll pass this along to my superiors. Herzog/Cranky: Well I appreciate that. I know my family papers aren't probably the navy's first priority right now, but- Maria: Very forbearing of you sir. Herzog/Cranky: --But they mean a lot to me. And I have a receipt. Maria: Thank you sir, your request has been archived and information pertinent to this case will be sent to this CP Address. Herzog/Cranky: Thanks so much. I really appreciate the-- Maria: --Goodbye. Category: I Love Bees